Our house is now the field of operations for what I'm calling the Great Mouse Massacre of 2008. The plan is to wage absolute armageddon for Chez Chaserland residents of the mouse persuasion. My strategy is to wipe out their entire population in one fell swoop: absolute, rapid attrition, resulting in an inability for them to further reproduce (e.g. there's gonna be nobody left to fuck). This is round one of three, I'm guessing. And this is our theme song (I suggest you listen to it for inspiration, while reading through the tactical plan below).
Akin to the ever-so-impressive "shock and awe" strategy employed during the Iraq war, the plan is to hit them overwhelmingly, right where they live, and to disorient them with surprise. The survivors, if there are any, simply won't know what or where's safe anymore. It goes without saying that any remaining insurgency will be met with merciless retaliation.I've deployed three types of traps throughout the kitchen and living room, wherever mouse poop has been found.
There are 8 spring-loaded neck-snapper traps. 5 of them are on the cubby-hole bookshelf, hidden behind the nicknacks (so we don't see them all the time, or accidentally touch them) in ALL but the upper right-hand cubbies (including behind the cookbooks, where I discovered that the mice had an absolute FIESTA). 2 of them are in the living room: one directly behind the couch, and one to the left of the high-boy, between the white boxes and the window pane, which now blocks alternative entrances to the backside of the high-boy, forcing mice into the trap's path. 1 is in the cabinet to the right of my desk, on the ground.
They are all baited with peanut butter, which can't be snagged off without springing the trap, which will (yes) immediately and abruptly snap their little spines. These traps are HAIR-TRIGGER sensitive, and should not be touched, unless VERY delicately, and ONLY on their wooden sides. If you need to move them, or it's awkward, it's actually best to trip them first with a pencil or stick, THEN move and reset them. For reals. Note that they're all where Kirk [ed note: our cat] can't accidentally get at 'em. This is obviously important ... he's on our side.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: the peanut butter in the fridge is now MOUSE BAIT and NOT FOOD. IT IS CONTAMINATED. DO NOT EAT IT.)
Then there are our humane traps. Any mice caught in these pansy-ass, weak-kneed liberal traps will be spared ... we're not monsters, after all.
There are two grey "victor" humane traps at ground level. These little rectangular boxes are very sensitively balance-triggered, so don't touch them. There's one next to the cubby-hole bookshelves, and one by the printer. They are baited with oats/grains. mouse enters, upsetting the balance of the trap, tripping the door, mouse is trapped. Then there are the two green humane traps. One remains deployed to the right of the couch. The other will be re-deployed in the studio closet once it has been emptied of its current mouse occupant, cleaned, and re-baited.
This will get ugly. Very ugly. Our home may look like a slaughterhouse for a while. but ultimately, with courage and perseverance (cue swelling patriotic music here), we will prevail over the mouse scourge that threatens our very way of life. There is good in this world, and there is evil ... and if we stand together, we can be sure that good will totally kick evil's ass up and down the street (oh ... and we are good, by the way).
OK, so um ... that is all. Yours in the fight,
-Will Pants
Commander-In-Chief
Great Mouse Massacre of 2008
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