Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 (Part 5)

Things got unexpectedly exciting in the battle today.

While I was working away at my desk in broad daylight, with Captain Kirk (my 20-year-old cat) sleeping on my lap, two mice skittered by near my feet. Shaking off the astonishment that they'd be so audacious (or outright stupid) all of a sudden, I tossed Captain Kirk at them. He's a little slow on the uptake these days, so one had enough time to scamper behind a part of the desk, while the other sprinted back into the living room.

The mouse behind the desk was cornered. I placed Kirk on one side of the desk, and poked a pole into the other side, scaring him into Kirk's path. Luckily, Kirk's still got some instincts, and he pounced on him, snapped him up and ate him wholesale. Bad. Ass. Mofo.

Double-checking the other traps, I was surprised to find one of the green humane traps hosting a terrified new resident, soon to be released into the wild.

All in all, the mice are acting more and more erratically. The disorientation strategy seems to be working well. Here's hoping Kirk doesn't barf it up.

Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 (Part 4)

Field Report: Day 4

The mice are either demoralized, disoriented, or dead. This morning found all the traps unsprung. Nary a mouse turd was to be seen.

In the early dawn, while carrying my cat (he's 20, this is what you have to do with a 20-year-old cat sometimes) through the kitchen to the laundry room to use his litter box, I surprised a mouse on the counter. They, like my friends, don't expect to see me upright before 10am.

He scampered and hid, before skittering behind the stove through its ventilation system. Now I know how they access the counter, and will block off that route (probably with steel wool or a metal grate), thus establishing yet another oasis of mouse-impenetrability, together with our kitchen island.

I'm considering switching up the bait to either chocolate or pretzels (which would be tied down to the trigger mechanism), in order to catch the smarter mice who might at this point be understandably wary of cheese, having seen their relatives' brains splattered next to a Vermont cheddar.

Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 (Part 3)

Field Report: Day 3

The kill was good today. Two mice. They were stiff and cold when we found them. They were the ones we were seeking. The one of the counter and stove. And the one that frequented the highboy.

I had my doubts about baiting with cheese. A brief intelligence reconnaissance on ideal baiting material turned up absolutely no recommendations for cheese ... only peanut butter.

Well, not for our mice, apparently. They can lick a trap clean of peanut butter without setting it off, but not an iota of cheese was removed from any of the traps that didn't have a dead mouse attached to them in the morning.

Yes, it's not pretty. But war isn't pretty. We're making progress. The next phase in the plan is to mix it up and keep them disoriented. Mice will ignore things they know or expect, but will pay attention to things that are new. Therefore, the traps will be moved around to slightly different locations and angles, catching them unawares.

The campaign continues apace.

Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 (Part 2)

Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 Field Report:

While we've seen some surprising setbacks, we've also made some decent progress in our fight against the mouse scourge.

It turns out that mice have an uncanny, if not supernatural, ability to pick hair-trigger trap mechanisms perfectly clean of peanut butter without springing them. At least 3/4 of the time, anyway. Of our 8 traps, 6 were licked absolutely clean -- even the one whose sensitivity was so high it took almost 5 attempts to set it properly without losing a finger. (Note to self: mice must give horrible blow jobs.)

But 2 mice weren't so lucky. I guess it's a crap shoot for them ... you lick, you live. You lick, you die. Life lesson there, somewhere, I'm sure.

The humane traps are apparently a joke to the mice. The mice laugh at them, if they bother to pay them any mind whatsoever.

Time for us to up our odds. We will now switch up the game. The survivors, happily stuffed full of peanut butter and swaggering cockily with the success of last night's foray, will likely be somewhat more complacent in their eating habits. For Round 2, we will upgrade the trap bait to cheese actually wedged onto the trigger mechanism, so it is actually impossible to remove it without setting off the trap.

For now, it's off to the mouse morgue (e.g. the back yard) for last night's two victims. Morale is guardedly high amongst the troops, as the Commander-In-Chief reconsiders strategy.

Great Mouse Massacre of 2008 (Part 1)

Ms. Katie Pants,

Our house is now the field of operations for what I'm calling the Great Mouse Massacre of 2008. The plan is to wage absolute armageddon for Chez Chaserland residents of the mouse persuasion. My strategy is to wipe out their entire population in one fell swoop: absolute, rapid attrition, resulting in an inability for them to further reproduce (e.g. there's gonna be nobody left to fuck). This is round one of three, I'm guessing. And this is our theme song (I suggest you listen to it for inspiration, while reading through the tactical plan below).

Akin to the ever-so-impressive "shock and awe" strategy employed during the Iraq war, the plan is to hit them overwhelmingly, right where they live, and to disorient them with surprise. The survivors, if there are any, simply won't know what or where's safe anymore. It goes without saying that any remaining insurgency will be met with merciless retaliation.

I've deployed three types of traps throughout the kitchen and living room, wherever mouse poop has been found.

There are 8 spring-loaded neck-snapper traps. 5 of them are on the cubby-hole bookshelf, hidden behind the nicknacks (so we don't see them all the time, or accidentally touch them) in ALL but the upper right-hand cubbies (including behind the cookbooks, where I discovered that the mice had an absolute FIESTA). 2 of them are in the living room: one directly behind the couch, and one to the left of the high-boy, between the white boxes and the window pane, which now blocks alternative entrances to the backside of the high-boy, forcing mice into the trap's path. 1 is in the cabinet to the right of my desk, on the ground.

They are all baited with peanut butter, which can't be snagged off without springing the trap, which will (yes) immediately and abruptly snap their little spines. These traps are HAIR-TRIGGER sensitive, and should not be touched, unless VERY delicately, and ONLY on their wooden sides. If you need to move them, or it's awkward, it's actually best to trip them first with a pencil or stick, THEN move and reset them. For reals. Note that they're all where Kirk [ed note: our cat] can't accidentally get at 'em. This is obviously important ... he's on our side.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: the peanut butter in the fridge is now MOUSE BAIT and NOT FOOD. IT IS CONTAMINATED. DO NOT EAT IT.)

Then there are our humane traps. Any mice caught in these pansy-ass, weak-kneed liberal traps will be spared ... we're not monsters, after all.

There are two grey "victor" humane traps at ground level. These little rectangular boxes are very sensitively balance-triggered, so don't touch them. There's one next to the cubby-hole bookshelves, and one by the printer. They are baited with oats/grains. mouse enters, upsetting the balance of the trap, tripping the door, mouse is trapped. Then there are the two green humane traps. One remains deployed to the right of the couch. The other will be re-deployed in the studio closet once it has been emptied of its current mouse occupant, cleaned, and re-baited.

This will get ugly. Very ugly. Our home may look like a slaughterhouse for a while. but ultimately, with courage and perseverance (cue swelling patriotic music here), we will prevail over the mouse scourge that threatens our very way of life. There is good in this world, and there is evil ... and if we stand together, we can be sure that good will totally kick evil's ass up and down the street (oh ... and we are good, by the way).

OK, so um ... that is all. Yours in the fight,

-Will Pants
Commander-In-Chief
Great Mouse Massacre of 2008

5 Recruiters for Every 1 Position ... Enthusiastically

Today I got this email in my inbox:

I am the President of Grafton Executive Search, and for the past 20 years we have specialized in recruiting Corporate Sales and C-Level candidates. I thought your company may be interested increasing your company's revenue through the addition of new sales reps that could bring over a book of business. I do have a number of highly successful Sales & Sales Management candidates that happened to be ranked within the top percentile of their respective companies that I'd like to submit to you for any current openings you may have, or that you may want to make room for.

We are more like the older traditional recruiting firms that you used to hear about, that would actually "cold call & headhunt candidates" from any industries, companies and/or competitors of your choosing and all on a contingency basis! We do not run ad's in the newspaper or pull resumes off the internet, as is the trend these days with the majority of the other recruiters. We figure that's probably what you are already doing? What we do is go after the best candidates & the elite that are not currently looking for a job as they already have one. We personally present and sell your specific company's opportunity to their individual needs. Our clients find that these hidden candidates are more stable, more qualified and haven't been interviewing all over town.

We will assign 5 recruiters for every 1 position you have and we'll treat each opening as a "priority-retained search," but we will still only bill you if you hire a candidate of ours. You get "retainer service"; but we will be working 100% on contingency. Our company has been providing just this service for 20 years. We work with all sizes of companies ranging from small start-up companies to Fortune 500, including multi-billion dollar International conglomerates. I've personally specialized in Sales and Management Staff for over 13 years.

So please give me a call at your earliest convenience, so that we could start filling your current open positions both locally, nationally and globally with the exact backgrounds your looking for. Obviously, the burden will be on me to produce only candidates that are better than your those that you have found on your own. I look forward to talking to you soon! Give me a call or pop me an email with your contact info and I'll be happy follow up with you immediately.

Enthusiastically,

Ryan

PS What would it mean to your company to be able to hire your #1 competitors, #1 Sales rep?

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, thanks for the offer, cheesebag.

Enthusiastically,

Will

Yet Another Most Retarded Hacker Movie Ever

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.